Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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