I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
