Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
