i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
