This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
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I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
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I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize