I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
