I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.