Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.