I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.