Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
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My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,