i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
