Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
