I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
