I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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