Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
