he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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