I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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