Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
