I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
