Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
