One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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