I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
