dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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