I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
