So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
