Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
