highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
