walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
