If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My vagina is officially offended.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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