can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
