What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
