You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
