Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
