Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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