watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
