I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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