I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
