he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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