Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
