My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
