no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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