My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
