He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
