Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
