Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
