I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
