I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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