nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
