It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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