Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
