On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
