My nipple is on Facebook.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
