What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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