someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
