There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
