"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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