haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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