"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
